A Little House of Cards

I've been going to church every morning. I look forward to two parts of the mass: the entire church reciting the Lord's Prayer and the moments of quiet reflection after communion. In these moments, my ego rests. When ego rests, I have a clearer understanding of who I am. When ego is active I identify with what the ego has told me about my unworthiness. No matter what our religious beliefs are, we all believe we have a higher self and a lower self, and when we are in our higher self we feel better. That higher self is not competetiive and therefore doesn't see lack. It's neutral, and because of that it's easy to forget or ignore.

Yoga is another time/place where I can rest in my higher self. There are moments in yoga and mass when I fall into ego: whenever I stand in either venue.

If I am standing, others can see me, and if they can see me, I am vulnerable. To be vulnerable means to be open to attack, but what if we take "attack" away from the definition and leave it as "to be open to..."? I have to stand to receive communion, both the wave of the words of a community prayer and the intimacy of holding the body of Christ in my hand and on my tongue. I am vulnerable to God's presence in those moments.

Yoga asana is all about breathing to me. If I stay mentally connected to my breathing I am again in the presence of my higher self. But a moment or two disconnected from my breathing and I am suddenly filled with ideas of not being pretty enough, good enough, worthy enough.

The key for me is to remember I am always breathing,a communion in itself, a moment of being open to... There is nothing I lack. And I am good enough, despite years and years of ancient voices saying I'm not.


Yoga. Meditation. Prayer. The occasional mass. Kissing my kid. Walking the dog. These are my medicines , especially during the holidays. I am often a little house of cards, and these hold me up. These allow me to be open to... We don't need to find God, but we do need to feel God. This is communion.